Saying “no”

The other day I was there with my friend. Someone asked her to do something. I knew she had different plans important to her. “Can you stay a little longer and we will discuss it?”. She said, “No. I can’t…”. I observed her in that moment. There was something about that “no”. It was quiet “no”, almost silent. Like she couldn’t say that louder. Like she struggled to say it. That experience made me think what it takes to say “no” to people and situations in life?

Why do we struggle when saying “no”? Because we have our stories. Somewhere along the way we might have developed beliefs about what we must do, what is expected from us, how we need to relate with people, how we have to live, speak, love, and behave. We might have learned that saying “yes” and pleasing others is the way to get their attention, love, time. We start to believe it to the point that saying “no” feels risky and scary, and ultimately unacceptable. Eventually, we are giving up on ourselves, our priorities, our needs. We end up being too kind, we are nodding our heads way too often, we take too much on ourselves. We might say “yes”, or we just accept whatever is asked from us. Sometimes we say “yes” because we like the feeling of being superwoman or superhero saving the day. It feels good being the “savior”, it feels good for a while, and then, what? What is the price?

Eventually, we pay a huge cost, compromising on our values and priorities, on what truly matters to us. We are other-focused. Our life is full of others, their priorities, and needs. And empty of our priorities and needs. We feel used. We are smiling and beneath that smile there are unspoken regret, anger, hurt, resentment. We contain all those difficult emotions. We might be able to hide them for a while, but they don’t disappear and sooner or later they come up usually in a messy, uncontrollable way that hurts others.

In life we need to practice saying “no” not only to others and their demands, but also to different situations that might look like “a great thing”. Things that others are doing, and they seem so “cool”, things that society label as “great opportunities”, things that collectively we seem to be chasing. Here we have another moment to put the brake, pause, breath, rewind, think and feel to connect with what is truth to us and only to us!

Somehow, we might have this idea that if we miss or say “no” to this “great opportunity”, or give up on something, we will be “losers”, weak, boring, too normal, or just regular. And there is no room for those feelings, we want to escape from them, so at the end we say “yes” to everything, we jump from one thing to another, from one place to another, we are like “chasing” something. We act like we want to do everything and be everywhere. Listening to all that external “noise”, being deaf to ourselves, without really connecting with ourselves and thinking through if what we spend our energy on is what we truly need and want for ourselves. Ultimately, we might end up being everywhere and feeling nowhere, maybe empty, and tired. And again, the question is why we are doing that to ourselves. Perhaps sometimes we want to prove ourselves, satisfy our ego, or we want to fill some inside void.

The ability to say “no” comes with saying “no”. It comes with practice. We need to act. It is not enough “knowing” what we want, it is needed to say it, keep it clear and loud, even if uncomfortable, even if scary. There is no shortcut. And the power of saying “no” is huge. With saying “no” might come fresh air and new chances. Saying “no” to one thing is always saying “yes” to the other. After all, good life is about wise balancing between the “yes” and the “no”. So, how does saying “no” feel to you?